an anonymous story

in may of 2020, the week before memorial day weekend, i was raped by an individual i didn’t think would hurt me. i had just been dumped by my boyfriend a month prior so i was not feeling fantastic about myself so when this happened, it made me feel like my entire world just split apart. the night i was raped i was sober and was dressed very “modestly”, which is sad i even have to say that. i was wearing jeans and a baggy t-shirt, as i thought the guy who did this to me was just my friend and we were going to hangout with his friends at a house. when we got to his friends house, there seemed to be a lot of tension going on, and he seemed very aggravated, but he tended to get like that when he drinks, he was an alcoholic and just got out of rehab a few weeks prior, so i found it alarming he was already drinking, but then again, it really wasn’t my business. anyways, he had slept at my place before when he would drink too much because i always ended up taking care of him. once we got home, i noticed how belligerent [and] drunk he was. his friend dropped his keys and asked me if the guy was someone i “really” want to be involved with and it scared me. when we got back to my apartment i asked him why his friend would say that and if there was something i needed to be aware of and immediately his tone changed. he called his friend and cussed him out and as i was trying to calm him down and tell him to stop telling everyone we were dating because we weren’t, he grabbed me and threw me against the wall. i gave up fighting him after a minute or so and just cried instead, and i told him he needed to leave and he did. i was in denial, i was hurt, and i was shocked. The next day i pretend nothing happened, and just drank to numb all the pain and eventually went to visit my friends for the weekend and came back so sick from all the trauma i had to go to the doctor because i was having fevers and so much pain. after a few days of the medications not working, i was admitted to the er and the doctor said there was evidence of severe trauma in my pelvis and asked me if there was anything i’d like to mention and i declined. i never told anyone, except my ex, and i eventually told my parents weeks later.

i never had much support.

i was faced with the internal conflict of figuring out whether or not to press charges because i didn’t do a rape kit right after it happened and was pretty much scared when i felt like i’d have just to prove that i was raped. i’m fortunate enough to have had resources like the cottage of athens, but it was hard with covid to properly get the help i really needed.

i just wanted to feel safe again.

i guess my best piece of advice is this: “do what brings you comfort and peace”, whatever that is. [i experienced changes mentally and physically] such as my body changing for sure. i was told scar tissue and the trauma would prevent me from having kids. my period has been worse than it’s ever been, my cramps are worse, my body ached, and i deprived myself of nutrients because of how i felt internally and lost weight in an unhealthy way. i found comfort in drinking, in anything that numbed the pain. i also now hardly ever trust anyone at this point, which is okay to me at some points. but honestly, i forgave him mentally, and that’s why i’m okay now.

there [are] days i didn’t want to talk to anyone, and there were days where i just needed to cry and rant. i’ve thought about [what i would have done differently]. for starters, i would’ve never taken him home with me to an empty apartment, i wouldn’t have had any alcohol involved on his end. i would have listened to his friends' small warnings about asking me if he was someone i wanted to deal with. he was obsessed with me, and i should’ve picked up on how clingy and impulsive he was much sooner. i never pressed charges because the legal system would put me through so much trying to prove that he did it and pretty much tore me down on making any case. he’s a walking man, and i avoid every place he’s at because we are in the same town.

i live with the guilt that he probably could do this to another girl every day, but i just know i didn’t have much of a case from what i heard, and i didn’t want to have to keep reliving every single detail over and over again.

there are days where i sit here and still blame myself for everything that happened. i kept thinking “well what if” etc, but the truth of the matter is this: no one goes into their day asking to get raped, no one expects something like this to happen to them. we as humans are not mentally prepared or properly taught how to handle potentially harmful situations like this. it’s not our fault, and it ate me alive for months thinking it was. i hated myself for so long, because this person misused their masculinity as a weapon. the hardest part was having to feel like i needed to stay silent because i didn’t have the proper support while i was dealing with it all, but i did have some amazing people to care for me when this went down, it was just hard with the legal system.